The Freedom of Being Vulnerable

  The wind sweeps across the field as if looking for something precious.  She swirls the snow with force as she mournfully cries.  I shudder and feel her desperation. Day turns to night and in the light of the moon she's still searching, her pleas reach my ears and I cannot help but feel alone.

 I listen to her lament.

 My soul is unsettled.

 Her song fades into the background as I think about my own pain, my own loss; and like the wind, I search futilely for what I could have said or done differently to prevent the heartache.  Back and forth I scan the events that transpired and the words spoken.  They replay in my mind over and over as I drift off into a restless sleep.  Anxiety rises up like a great wave threatening to crash over me and sweep me out into the dark nothingness.  I cry out for help.  My arm reaches up for safety but no one is there.  The wave crashes over me and I succumb to it's force.  I sink deeper and deeper until I can no longer see the light... my body becomes numb, despair engulfs me and then:

PEACE. Be still.

A light so blinding, so brilliantly white, surrounds me.  A warmth pervades my inner most being.  The sadness, the pain, they are still there but are more like a memory, they do not hold the same sting.  I am placed on solid ground , a blanket is about me as I look out over a gray, green sea and again:

PEACE. Be still.

I awake from my dream, the blankets still clutched tight near my chin.  As I think about events in my life I am reminded that it's not me. There are things and relationships that I cannot fix. In fact, I dare say, I cannot truly fix anything.  The fixing is up to God and currently my role is to just be still and to acknowledge that we all have hurts... vulnerable places that the Lord wants to heal.  However, the true healing, lasting peace, can only begin with surrender.

 Today I surrender control, guilt, pride, shame, fear and the bondage that they bring.

I will try to no longer look in the mirror saying "I am not good enough" because that is a lie.  I AM good enough, good enough for God to die for and adore.  I am worthy not in and of myself, I am worthy because He loves me.

And YOU are worthy!!!

I have been on a quest for authenticity for years.  I honestly desire for people to see the real me.  I try to be transparent with those I know, including you my beloved readers.  Sometimes that means I get hurt.  At those times, I have two options:

1. I can sink back into old habits, covering up those areas of my life that others find offensive in order to find approval.
2. I can continue to be who God has called me to be and to not be ashamed, remembering that my value comes from Him and Him alone and not from my relationships, my ministry, or what I do.

 Ever since I was a little girl I have loved people, have longed for deep relationship and have found joy in serving others.  Fast forward 35 years and so much of that little girl still remains.  There have been bumps, bruises and traumas along the way, but each has been a lesson.  A practice to show compassion or a stumbling block to feed my hurt and anger.  I have unfortunately done both.  However I am more aware now.

I am aware of the vulnerable world we live in and how I am susceptible to it and I am grateful.  I am grateful because I now know that through the pain and the hurt there is also joy and healing.  If I were to numb the pain I would also be numbing the joy for you cannot selectively numb emotion.  It is all or nothing.  So although the trials are hard and painful I am grateful for them because they have taught me how to be free and have shown me that I am valued, I am worthy and I am enough.

I stand before the window, the stars are twinkling across the velvet sky.  I pull the blanket around my shoulders and watch the moon cast it's beams across the frozen field.  I'm vulnerable.. exposed... and yet that is okay because I have peace.

Peace in the stillness.

I stop and listen.. the wind has softened.  The frantic searching is over and her wailing has turned to a soft whisper.  She must have found what she was looking for.