There are days when the thoughts creep into the recesses of my mind and it starts with a whisper that, if not squealched, becomes louder and Louder and LOUDER until I start believing "I am a failure". "I am incompetent because I cannot keep up with the demands of every day life".
Oh how I long for a mentor on days like this. Someone who can take my hand during this season of busyness of having lots of littles and tell me it will be okay. Someone who can share stories of ink drawings on walls, spilled milk, sibling rivalry, lack of sleep, and finances that are stretched so thin you know it is only by the grace of God that you remain where you are. Unfortunately, not everyone has the blessing of a flesh and blood mentor and so when I have days of longing/needing like this I try to turn my eyes to the Lord and call a close friend who is also in the thick of it and have her pray with me.
I cannot help but smile when I think of how the Lord knows what we need, when we need it.
|Photo from pixabay|
My response came from a heart of guilt...
"Oh baby, if I was the best Mom ever then I would not lose my cool like I did today. You deserve a better Mommy... one who doesn't get upset as much."
My boy, my seven year old, with his wavy white blond hair and brilliantly blue eyes looked up at me hurt and spoke sternly.
"Don't ever say that Mom. Don't ever say that you aren't the best Mommy because when you do, it sounds like there are other Moms out there for me and... well... there isn't. You are the only Mom for me and even when you are upset, you are still the best and I love you."
I swallowed the lump in my throat and with a wavering voice, apologized to my darling son who spoke so much life into me that I do not know if he will ever know the impact of his words in that dimly lit hallway as we stood together in our pajamas. The fact of the matter is that he loves and forgives me even when I am an idiot, just like the Lord does. He loves me with my many shortcomings and flaws and does not want anyone else to be his Mommy other than me.
The woman at the grocery store who has the perfect figure, perfect hair and makeup and she walks about pointing out the colors to her toddler who giggles with delight may be a wonderful Momma and seem to be all put together but that is not the Mommy he wants to tuck him in at night. The Mommy who can put her children in as many extracurricular programs as they want and buy them a toy when they ask for it because she has the means to may be such a fun Momma but that is not who he wants pushing him on the swingset in our yard. The Momma who is always smiling, who speaks calmly in the midst of chaos and trying times, and who appears to have the patience of a saint may be an amazing Mom but that is not who he wants by his side when life comes crashing in. He wants me... with my ever changing figure, my quirky personality, my homemade crafts and zany science experiements that don't always work. He wants me even when I crash and crumble in front of him because of my own sins and he sits next to me as I pray and seek forgiveness. The other Moms may be wonderful but they are not ME and your children want the same. They don't want the perfect Mom because she is not going to show them why they need Jesus. They don't want the "other" Moms, even though they may be awesome Mommies to their children, they are not you! They want you... with all of your flaws and brokeness and bad breath and crazy hair days. They want you even when you lose your cool and say words you wish you could take back, they want you to be their Momma even when you just don't feel like it.
And that my friends... is what we call the gift of grace. We all have rough days and we can beat ourselves up relentlessly and then God reminds us, sometimes through our beautiful children, that there is only one Momma in this world for these precious ones He has blessed us with.
You are doing a GREAT job! You may not have a mentor to pat you on the back (or maybe you do in which case... give her a big ol' hug from me!) and keep pouring encouragement into you but you have a Savior who hears your heart even if you have a hard time speaking it out loud to Him. You have children who are watching in the wings and waiting... waiting for that chance to give you a hug or a smile to let you know that YOU are the best for them.
Lifting you up today,