My beloved drove in the dooryard the other night to find me pacing in the front yard. Eyes red, nose running, with a baby over my shoulder and a toddler on my hip. Words pouring out of my mouth admitting my inadequacies and failures. "I don't want to be like this... I don't know what I am doing. I am failing as a Mom". Guilt and overwhelming emotions of sadness, fear, and exhaustion made me feel so vulnerable.
I did not want to greet my husband like this. So messy and raw. I wanted to be smiling, with children all neat and in a row. Dinner on the table, smiles and joyful laughter ringing through the house but instead he was slammed with the reality of my day... of my week... of the past few months. I saw his face, his eyes filled with concern, his embrace strong and unwavering. I sunk into the security of his body and I apologized for being such a wreck. His words were like a salve to my spirit... "Honey, I would rather you be honest with me. When you tell me you have had a hard day and yet you seem to have it all together when I walk through the door at night I kind of disregard the fact that earlier that day things were rough. However when I see you like this and you are telling me you had a hard day, I can really see it's toll and I have a better understanding of what it is like for you." He did not condemn me for my frailty, instead he met me in my fear and weakness and helped me move forward through the evening.
After the kids were tucked in bed and the house was quite we sat together, and came before the Lord. My husband interceded for me and I broke...
I want to be the perfect Mom, the perfect wife, the perfect keeper of my home but I can't. I uttered out loud through trembling lips that I just can't do this anymore. And in my brokenness I surrendered.
I surrendered my expectations, my pride, and admitted my need for the Lord to step in and take control. Too often I try to make a go of it on my own. We were not meant to be alone... we were meant to be in community, in fellowship with our Lord and with each other.
When I try to accomplish even every day life in and of myself, I will fail.
However, if I let Jesus lead me, if I surrender and admit my brokenness and weakness, then I give Him permission to move in my life.
In sharing my weaknesses out loud I was defeating the enemy and breaking the darkness that Satan loves to ensnare the children of God with.
I am a broken vessel, we all are. We each have hurts and scars. We are the walking wounded. But guess what... Jesus came to RESCUE us. He meets us where we are at and accepts us in our frailty. He sees our imperfection as our messy lives unravel and He reconciles us unto Himself.
He doesn't push us away in our moments of weakness... He pulls us closer.
When we are honest and vulnerable, healing takes place. When I hide my struggles and try to appear that I have it all together I am only hurting myself. By being real with myself, with others and with God... true healing can take place and authentic friendship and fellowship.
These words in Revelation have been so liberating for me this week... Revelation 12:10-11 says:
10 And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. 11 And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.
Satan is conquered because of Christ's blood and because of our messy stories.
Our testimony... our story, with all of it's beautiful, crazy, joyful messiness, is powerful. Satan can accuse and point fingers and remind us of where we are failing. He can show us all of the terrible things we have done/said/thought at any given time and load bricks of guilt upon our backs and if we allow ourselves to be weighed down by these burdens it will crush us. Yet the scripture tells us that just by telling our story, by being real, by sharing the miraculous and the mundane, by revealing the pretty side of life and the painful side, that we can OVERCOME!
When we bring that which we hide in the dark out into the light, Satan cannot use it anymore.
When I admit my frailties and shortcomings to others and to my God then Satan no longer has the other end of the chain that he has kept me enslaved with... the bonds break free and I can move further into God's redeeming grace.
I am praying, dear ones, that you are able to taste the same freedom and healing that I have been experiencing. I am a Momma with high expectations of myself (and sometimes of others) - trying to be perfect is exhausting... and impossible. I am learning to give up the Savior complex. Can you relate? Maybe you don't have the same perfectionist hangup as I do but I am sure there are pits in your life that you don't think you can climb out of. The ones where Satan hisses in your ear that you are worthless, unworthy, pathetic and stuck. Well darlin'... remind the accuser that his days are numbered, remind him that you are a NEW creation, and stand firm on the promises of our Lord because you are not going down... you are an overcomer!