Monday, December 20, 2010

Letting Go.

I must confess, with the birth of our third child I have become much more scattered.  I find it hard to focus.  It is not uncommon for me to find myself standing in the middle of the room with my precious baby girl on my hip, the boys running about chasing each other with swords, and I am staring at a pile of clean laundry wondering what to do next.  Rather than calming the household down, placing baby girl on the bed and folding laundry next to her I continue to stare into space before taking a logical (or an illogical step, like starting a new chore) step.

I feel like a drooling mess these days.  I confessed my lack of direction  with my husband and his answer was "You need a sabbath.  The reason why you find yourself having a hard time making decisions and completing tasks is because you are burnt out."  Therefore, he took it upon himself to watch the kids, help with housework, and told me to do something I wanted to do this past weekend.

Now, for those of you out there who are saying "Wow!  I would LOVE that, how heavenly." for a type A personality this is not heavenly.  It grates at my very being to know that my husband is doing my work on his day off.  It frustrates me when I see him being able to get more done in a day that I have been able to accomplish all week long.  I feel an insane amount of guilt as I sit in bed to read a book when I hear little voices playing and I feel I should be reading to them rather than reading for myself.  Am I warped, probably, but my darling husband is determined to break me of my warped self so I can be a more functioning member of society.  :)


Here is a quote that shot me between the eyes with it's accuracy:
"They claim to be perfectionists, but that just means they are wasting time fixating on inconsequential details instead of moving on to the next task."
(Taken from the book Rework by: Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson
  I have not read this book so this is not a book recommendation but I found this quote online and wanted to reference the source.)



It is hard for me to let go.  I feel like I must do things perfectly, I must show others that I can be a good (no... GREAT) wife, Mom, daughter, sister,  friend, teacher, fill in the blank. I have this compelling drive to do things on my own so heaven forbid, if something were to happen to my husband, I want to be capable of running a home by myself rather than shriveling up.  I have a desire to be liked/accepted so much that I drive myself to the brink of insanity by doing, doing, doing in order to please others and myself.  Yes people, I am sick.  I made a vow to keep it real with my readers, because I am sure that some of you out there who are reading this can relate.  You too are warped and drooling today because you have taken on so much that you are not sure what to do/where to go next.


Speaking from experience I can tell you what the next step should be.  Take it to the cross baby and lay that burden down at the feet of Christ.  I feel so much peace when I lay myself bare at His feet - I empty my insecurities, my to-do list, my frailties and fears and I let His loving peace wash over me.  Then, and only then, do I feel rest in my soul.  I realize that I am human, meaning I have limitations on what I can accomplish in any given day.  He did not call me to be perfect, that is why the Savior came.  I need to remember this today, and every day.

The Serenity Prayer 
by: Reinhold Niebuhr
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.
 My prayer for you today is that you would feel His peace in the midst of the hustle and bustle.  I pray for peace as you go about your tasks today, for a clear mind to make decisions, for words that are spoken in love even if you are pushed to your limit, for a body that is well rested so it can handle the tasks of the day, and for the ability to say no if needed.  May you week be blessed as we look forward to our precious Saviors birth.

With love,
Dawna

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